Charm City Barbies

Mattel Announces The Release Today of their "Barbies of the City" Line
with the first issue representing Baltimore:

Columbia Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at the Mall in Columbia. She comes with
an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie
cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.

Towson Barbie:

This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford
Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or
secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional
matching gym outfit.

Edmondson Avenue Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,
a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a
Methadone Clinic Ken. Also available in a jailbird version with orange
coveralls.

Federal Hill Barbie:

This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up
Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Dundalk Barbie:

This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a
NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set.
She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A
pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers. She is
available only at Eastpoint Mall.

Owings Mills Barbie:

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie has had more facelifts than
she has fused fingers. She comes with a hairstyle that could withstand a
hurricane, a mah-jongg set and an Infiniti which she can't drive and
bitches about her kids not carting her around.

Glen Burnie Barbie:

This "Classic" version has a mouth that is firmly closed so as not to show
her summer teeth, Daisy Dukes so tight you can see camel toe, and a half
T-shirt that guarantees you can see her navel piercing and at least 5
tattoos. She swears incessantly and is not recommended for children.

Pasadena Barbie:

Available with your choice of 70's bitch-flip hairdos, a Ford Ranger
pickup, and a pit bull. She is missing a front tooth. She swears
incessantly and is not recommended for children. Accessories include:
CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28 and a corner bar.

Essex Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you
can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without
breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted
mullet-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips
covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble
includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that
stick out the back of her jeans, and a white barely-there see-through shirt.
Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories
include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28.

Canton Barbie:

Has extremely dark fake tan, several tattoos, thick filled-in fingernails,
big frosted and spiked hair. She comes with five-inch strappy sandals and
a skin-tight polyester/spandex dress ending just below her crotch. Options
include a home gym, KIA Sportage or a dented Ford Mustang. She has several
maxed-out credit cards, hon. Tattooed Ken with ninth-grade education and
baggy blue jumpsuit sold separately.

DC commuter Barbie:

This Bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV, a knife to stab other
Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.

Hampden a/k/a "Hey Hon" Barbie:

This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She
comes with shoulderpads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad
haircut. Options include Ravens shirt, walmart purse and outdated shoes.