Wondering again

Curious? No, not me... (but they have overnights! And sailing programs!)

No, she's not a pretty ship, but she's old, dating to 1895. Maybe one day..

I don't know. Feeling restless again. Part of is the Red... he hasn't called. Still. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong in these relationships... the fire is too attractive to me. Funny, I used to be terrified of fire when I was a child, and half of our back porch burned away overnight because of a forgotten candle. For years, I wouldn't go near the stove or candles or a fireplace because of its danger. Then a few years after the fire, I lit candles every night for dinner, stared at the flames dancing, so intent on the flames that I forgot about my melted marshmellow. I'm the same way now.

And when I step away from that fire, I don't know what I want.

Security. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. But.. I can't. Too intent on doing as I please to stop for a moment, and settle. And I don't know when I'm going to stop. I don't know when the words in my head are going to stop whirling.

How am I supposed to tell someone my brain's too fucked up to let them get close?

On the other hand, my black bean soup is purple (including the pork), but very yummy with toast.